Shouldn't this be the "Winston Smith" Manifesto?

Oh, Michelle Malkin, passionate defender of the US from evil Imams filing civil suits. What would we do without you?

I present to you, The John Doe Manifesto. (abridged below for sanity's sake)

Dear Muslim Terrorist Plotter/Planner/Funder/Enabler/Apologist,

You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you. You are my enemy. And I am yours.

I am John Doe.

I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift.

Lift? Who knew Michelle was English?

I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.

I am John Doe.

Here's the Orwellian part.

I will act when homeland security officials ask me to “report suspicious activity.”

I will embrace my local police department’s admonition: “If you see something, say something.”

I am John Doe.

Told you it was scary.

I will protest your Jew-hating, America-bashing “scholars.”

I will petition against your hate-mongering mosque leaders.

I will raise my voice against your subjugation of women and religious minorities.

I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools.

I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet.

I am John Doe.

And I thought Michelle was a Republican!

I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.

Yes, those Sharia-imposing Congressmen are really screwing up our pools and monuments.

I'll leave you to read the rest of this wingnuttery for yourself. Suffice it to say, I feel more secure going to bed at night now that JOHN DOE! is on the job.

Does this make any sense at all?

The Pope cured my Parkinson's!

Smiling broadly, the French nun whose claims could be accepted as the miracle that the Vatican needs to beatify Pope John Paul II said Friday that she was inexplicably and suddenly "cured" of Parkinson's disease -- thanks to him. . . .

Her cure came on the night of June 2, 2005, exactly two months after the pontiff's death, she said. In her room after evening prayers, she said an inner voice urged her to take up her pen and write. She did, and was surpassed to see that her handwriting -- which had grown illegible because of her illness -- was clear. She said she then went to bed, and woke early the next morning feeling "completely transformed." . . .

Before her cure, her fellow nuns in the "Little Sisters of Catholic Maternities" had been praying to John Paul for her recovery, she added.

I know that Catholic apologetics can cite chapter and verse on why humans need the church to intercede between them and the "personal" god they believe in, but this seems to completely flaunt the basic Christian theory that you pray to god, not another human.

What are the odds that the Catholic church will investigate and find this not to be a miracle (i.e. she never had Parkinsons, it went into spontaneous remission, some other "rational" explanation)? About the same as George Bush being elected President of North Korea.

Thompson to Dobson

"As senator turned actor Fred Thompson considers a presidential run, his Christian credentials are being questioned by Dr. James Dobson, a major voice among Christian conservative voters."

"Bow before me, Thompson! Kiss my ring!" says Papal-wannabe, Dobson

Thompson's reply to Dobson's ridiculous request should have been two words:

"Screw you"*



*Acceptable alternatives would include "Bite Me", "Suck noodles" and some other two word combinations I don't want to print on my (more or less) family-friendly blog.

Gandalf?!? Nooooooooooo!

Waaaay too much information.

Veteran actor Sir Ian McKellen shocked theatregoers when he stripped completely naked midway through a new production of King Lear.

The 67-year-old was performing in a preview of the William Shakespeare play in Stratford-Upon-Avon on Saturday.

The gory details are here: Ian McKellan strips during play

Why sure your kids can play with my Van Gogh!

Easily winning this week's "What the heck were you thinking award" is Producer Daniel Sadek.

Eddie Griffin Wrecks Producer's $1.5 million Ferrari

Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million into a concrete barrier while practicing at a racetrack Monday, destroying the car but escaping uninjured.

"I'm glad Eddie came out of the crash OK, but my dream car got destroyed," Sadek said. "I went to my trailer for about 15 minutes and I thought, there's people dying every day. A lot of worse things are happening in the world."

I'll give the guy some credit for being able to put the loss into perspective. Especially since losing the car must pale in comparison to the greater horror of realizing that he is stupid enough to let the star of "Undercover Brother" drive his $1.5 MILLION FERRARI!

Mmmmm 3 Musketeers

3 Musketeers is my favorite candy bar.

It's not too chocolately.
It has no peanuts to get stuck in my teeth.
It's not filled with a dozen freakish ingredients like cookies, coconut or raisins.

What 3 Musketeers has is a certain purity, comprised solely of chocolate and nougat.

(As a side note, I dearly love the two best peanut-butter candy bars, Butterfingers and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, but 3 Musketeers is my favorite.)

Here's the thing. When I was growing up, 3 Musketeers came in a white paper wrapper. It was awesome. The wrapper was fun to open and smelled of candy bar and paper. The foil wrappers they introduced some years ago don't smell like anything and basically suck.

The end.

Presidential Candidates = a Bunch of Idiots (especially Brownback)

So, The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Pace, puts his foot in it.

"I believe that homosexual acts between individuals are immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts. I do not believe the United States is well-served by a policy that says it is OK to be immoral in any way."

Please note that there are approximately 60,000 gay people serving in the US military. General Pace is literally calling all of them "immoral".

Then, the leading Democratic contenders, Senators Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama, come out with mealy-mouthed, weak responses.

Clinton was asked the question by ABC News, in the wake of Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Peter Pace's controversial comment that he believed homosexual acts were immoral. "Well, I'm going to leave that to others to conclude," she said. Article

and

Obama did not directly answer on Wednesday when asked if same-sex relationships were immoral, Newsday reported. Article

Aargh. What timid, lame responses displaying a complete lack of leadership. Both have belatedly issued strong statements against General Pace's comments. Is this because they honestly came to stronger conclusions or because they were getting hammered in the press?

At that point, not surprisingly, Kansas Senator Sam Brownback decided he'd rather pander to his far Right base than be smart or compassionate. From a letter to President Bush:

"General Pace's recent remarks do not deserve the criticism they have received," the letter said. "In fact, we applaud General Pace for maintaining a personal commitment to moral principles."

Let's say it again: there are approximately 60,000 gay US servicemen and women. Many of them are currently in Iraq risking their lives every day.

Aren't General Pace and Sam Brownback "Support the Troops" kinds of guys?

How does calling tens of thousands of American troops "immoral" support them in any way?

To Do List: 1. Watch Andy Richter. 2. Laugh.

Tonight is the premier of Andy Barker, P.I.! (NBC, 9:30PM.) A very favorable review by Tom Shales of the Post may be read here.

If you're a fan of Andy Richter, then you should be as excited as I am. If you're not a fan of Andy Richter, go out and buy a sense of humor.

Damn straight!

Excellent article in today's Post by Senator Alan Simpson.

Bigotry that Hurts our Military

According to the Government Accountability Office, more than 300 language experts have been fired under "don't ask, don't tell," including more than 50 who are fluent in Arabic. This when even Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently acknowledged the nation's "foreign language deficit" and how much our government needs Farsi and Arabic speakers. Is there a "straight" way to translate Arabic? Is there a "gay" Farsi? My God, we'd better start talking sense before it is too late. We need every able-bodied, smart patriot to help us win this war.

Senator Simpson shows remarkable grace and common sense. Wait, a Senator showing common sense? Oh . . . he's a former Senator.

Irony Meter completely demolished

While VP DIck Cheney throws around innuendos of treason for Congressmen who want to cut funding for the Iraq War . . .

Speaking before a packed crowd at the Washington Convention Center, Cheney said it was one of several disturbing "myths" that one could support the troops and at the same time not give them what their commanders say they need to win. Fox News

Like body armor?

Other myths are that Iraq is not central to the war on terrorism and that withdrawing from Iraq would somehow help the war on terrorism, the vice president said.

He's right. Iraq is now central to the "war on terrorism". Of course, Iraq wasn't central to the war on terrorism until our invasion caused Al Qaeda to swarm in and start killing people. As for whether or not our withdrawal would help or hinder the war on terrorism, his strawman argument is duly noted.

So Long, Knights. Hope to see you again soon.

If you watch television, it's an axiom that you have been disappointed by television executives. Specifically, television executives who have chosen to cancel one of your favorite shows due to ratings, cost, personalities, or because their chi-latte-half-caff-mocachino was too hot. Today, it's my turn to be disappointed.

ABC has pulled the Knights of Prosperity from its schedule. (Actually, they pulled it last week. I've been busy. Sue me.)

I don't watch ABC a whole lot. I used to, when Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, Mork and Mindy and other "classic" ABC comedies were popular during the late seventies and I was 14 years old. I don't think I've watched much ABC since (except for Lost). But from early January, when Knights premiered, Carol, Rachel and I have looked forward to watching two ABC shows every week.

The Knights of Prosperity, produced by David Letterman's World Wide Pants production company, is the story of a group of blue-collar New Yorkers who want a better life. To get that life, they develop a plan: in their own words, echoed in every episode, "Let's rob Mick Jagger." Episodes revolved around the steps of the plan, for example, stealing the key to Mick's swanky New York apartment, getting the security code to Mick's apartment, and deleting a security recording made of them during an ill-fated impromptu robbery attempt.

What makes the show funny and enjoyable is the characters. Donal Logue plays the mastermind, Eugene Gurkin, an "everyman" janitor and leader of the group. I've been ambivalent about Logue until this show. Here, he nails it with a perfect combination of vulnerability and blossoming self-confidence, showing just enough intelligence to lead the group to barely succeed each episode. He's more or less Earl Hickey from My Name is Earl but instead of self-improvement by following Karma to do good deeds, he's improving himself by planning to rob Mick Jagger.

Kevin Michael Richardson plays Rockefeller Butts, a 300 pound black man who steals almost every scene he's in. Extremely lovable, his unexpected knowledge of pop culture and surprising gentleness make Rockefeller, aka Reginald von Hoogstratten (his fake identity as a Jagger security guard), one of my favorite TV characters ever. Richardson has done tons of voices for animated shows; hopefully this will get him some well-deserved visibility.

The rest of the "crew" are also very good, an interesting ethnic mix whose chemistry together makes the show work. Every character is endearing and funny. One of the best of the eight episodes aired was "Operation: Panic Room" where the Knights get locked in Mick Jagger's panic room. The story was pretty much just the six Knights interacting in a closed room for twenty minutes. It worked.

Due to low ratings, ABC has pulled the show from their schedule, leaving four episodes unaired. There are rumors that ABC Execs, who really like the show, might resurrect the show next season but nothing is solid. I really, really hope they do. I haven't felt this strongly about a short-lived, prematurely cancelled show since the cancellation of one of the best shows of all time, Andy Richter Controls the Universe.

The good news is that if you're interested, ABC.com has all the aired episodes available on-line.

Episodes of Knights of Prosperity

Eeeeyagh!

This scary dude was married to America's Sweetheart, Valerie Bertinelli?!?

(Note: Picture reduced in size to avoid scaring little children.)

CNN Story - Van Halen checks into rehab

I still deserve a break, consarnit!

The single long-time reader of this blog (you know who you are), may remember my experience with McDonald's limited night time menu. In that vein, here's another reasoned essay about America's favorite fast-food franchise.

At some point in the distant past, McDonald's figured out that it was more efficient to group commonly selected items into a "meal". It saved time on ordering, made it very clear to the customer what the cost was, and encouraged sales by seeming to offer a discount. Good idea. They even made the system idiot-proof by assigning each meal a number. For example, the Big Mac/Fries/Drink meal is number 1.

However, within the past few years, some pinhead executive decided that the customer was stupid and didn't actually know what they wanted when they ordered. Apparently, this genius concluded, "our system of meal numbering is too complex." So now, instead of "Do you want fries with that?", all McDonald's employees are required to ask, "Do you want the meal?"

My ordering experience has gotten progressively worse.

Approx. two years ago

Me: I'd like a Big Mac, please.

Flunky: Do you want the meal or just the sandwich?

Me: I just want a Big Mac sandwich.
(Big Mac sandwich sounds extremely stupid to me. It's not a sandwich, it's a burger. I hate saying Big Mac sandwich.)

Approx. one year ago

Me: I'd like a Big Mac sandwich, please.
(Note how I've gotten over my disdain for the word sandwich when combined with Big Mac, and have cleverly incorporated the word sandwich into my order so they'd know I don't want the meal.)

Flunky: Do you want the meal?

Me: No, just the sandwich. That's why I said, "Big Mac sandwich", rather than the #1 meal.

Today

Me: I would like a Big Mac sandwich.

Flunky: Do you want the meal?

Me: Why, yes, I do want the meal! Thanks for asking. I was confused by the complicated system. Oh, and by the way, #*&#@*&%$$!!

Seriously, this is really starting to piss me off. If I wanted the meal, I'd say I want the frickin' # 1 meal! When some McDonald's customer inevitably goes all postal on some poor McDonald's staff, there's a high likelihood it will be me.

I can't believe I'm blogging about this bi-, um, woman

As you may have heard, that paragon of morality, Ann Coulter, recently called Presidential candidate John Edwards a "faggot". Andrew Sullivan, a gay conservative, posted an excellent response on his weblog. Check it out here.

What Coulter did, in her callow, empty way, was to accuse John Edwards of not being a real man. To do so, she asserted that gay men are not real men either. The emasculation of men in minority groups is an ancient trope of the vilest bigotry. Why was it wrong, after all, for white men to call African-American men "boys"? Because it robbed them of the dignity of their masculinity. And that's what Coulter did last Friday to gays. She said - and conservatives applauded - that I and so many others are not men. We are men, Ann.

Andrew Sullivan has been engaged in an ongoing dialogue with Sam Harris about religion. I blogged about that (and links can be found) here.

Worst. Comic. Ever.

For sheer head-scratching weirdness, though, nothing at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center last weekend could match the exhibit booth for a company called Virgin Comics. The place was low on gaudy outfits, but it was selling a new line of comic books with one of the genre's strangest credit lines ever.

"Chief visionary: Deepak Chopra." Washington Post Article

Yes, I can see it now. Quite the stable of new superheroes:

Astral Projection Man - Through his mighty powers of astral projection, he can leave his body, roaming the city at will. When crime strikes, he can watch it, incorporeally, unable to interact with the physical world. Later, he can call the police and tell them what happened.

Mister Alt-Medicine - Using the Power of Placebo, he battles his arch-nemesis, Doctor Actual Medicine, at every opportunity. When Doctor Medicine tries to poison children with autism-causing vaccines, Mister Alt-Medicine provides homeopathic pills as a safe alternative. And if they don't work, then the kids just didn't want to not get rubella, okay?

The Channeler - Where evil is afoot, the Channeler is there! The Channeler keeps villains at bay by channeling a roll call of ancient Mesopotamian spirits who give great advice for keeping the holidays from becoming too stressful as well as how to keep your lover interested. No villain can withstand the mighty advice of The Channeler!

Yes, things are definitely looking up in comic stores everywhere. It's about time someone supplanted those lame heroes with such mundane powers as flying, super-strength, and controlling sea creatures. Go go Deepak!

North Dakota plans to vote for Reagan in the next election

Woo hoo! North Dakota has done it!

Couples who live together in North Dakota will no longer be considered criminals after the House agreed Thursday to repeal the law that has been on books since statehood. The legislation was headed to Gov. John Hoeven, who was expected to sign it, his spokesman Don Canton said.

Representatives voted 48-41 to get rid of the law that lists a man and woman living together without being married as a sex crime, along with rape, incest and adultery. Attempts get rid of the law failed in the past two legislative sessions. ND Joins 1970's!

Yes, North Dakota has moved into the 1970's with this bold new initiative. The coming of disco music followed by its death and the birth of New Wave can't be far behind.

What's really bizarre is that 41 people voted against repealing this anachronism of a law. What's up with that?

Uh, right.

This is a really cool breakthrough.

"A layer of carbon has been manufactured in a film only one atom thick . . . The graphene membrane has proved to be so stable that it holds together in vacuums and at room temperature. All other known materials oxidise, decompose and become unstable at sizes ten times the thickness. Kostya Novoselov, of the University of Manchester, said that its main applications were expected to be in vastly increasing the speed at which computers could make calculations and in researching new drugs. The membrane could also be used as a microscopic sieve to separate gases into their constituent parts." Fox News article.

This is all well and good, but I removed part of the first sentence. The entire sentence is reprinted below:

A layer of carbon has been manufactured in a film only one atom thick that defies the laws of physics.

Uh, no. It doesn't actually defy the laws of physics. Rather, our understanding of physics was not sufficiently accurate. The fantastic thing about science is that when our understanding isn't accurate, scientists incorporate the new data into our understanding and our knowledge grows.