Kindness takes at least two

Carol and I go out to eat a lot. We enjoy it, we often don't have time for anything else, and we're lucky enough to be able to afford to.

Three weeks ago, we went to a small, family restaurant we recently discovered and had a nice dinner. I understand how hard food service workers have it, so I always tip at least 20%. I did on this night, and it was around $10. Or so I thought.

The other day I was looking through some receipts and found the receipt from that restaurant. The receipt was filled out by me, complete with tip, and signed. At the bottom it said "Merchant's Copy". Uh-oh. I accidentally brought home the wrong receipt. I had left the unsigned, no tip, "Customer Copy" on the table. I checked our bank account and, sure enough, the restaurant had charged us for the meal, but not the tip. Because I walked out with the piece of paper authorizing the tip. Oy.

I felt bad about stiffing the guy (I DON'T stiff people), so tonight I drove over there to make it right. The guy who waited on us was behind the counter. I told him what happened and he expressed shock that I had driven over specifically to make up for a missed tip from three weeks ago. He said that I could tip him by coming back again. I told him that I appreciated good service and owed him the tip. But I couldn't convince him; he wouldn't take it.

I think he was trying to be kind. Or maybe he felt weird taking ten bucks from some guy walking in off the street. I probably put him in an awkward position, I'll admit that. But I honestly felt that I owed him the money.

As I walked out, with $10 still in my pocket, I realized that I felt bad. I had tried to be kind and instead of the guy just saying, "Thanks" and taking his earned tip, he wouldn't let me be kind.

I have a rule I follow which, coincidentally, most often comes up with dinner checks. The rule is, "If someone tries to be kind, let them be." With dinner, that means that if someone says, "I've got this," and takes the check, I let them.

For years when we were younger, Carol and I would argue with our relatives who offered to pay for dinner - "No, we've got this." "Why don't we split it" etc. - and it always resulted in arguing that hurt people's feelings. (After all, I don't like it when people argue with me when I'm being generous.) So I put a stop to it. If someone wants to pick up the check, I let them.

(This principal applies to other acts of kindness, not just dinner-related ones).

Tonight, I tried to be kind and wasn't allowed to be. I don't begrudge the guy, his intentions may have been good. Or maybe I insulted him. I don't really know. But I do know that I was hoping for a win/win when I went in there. Instead, no one won.