All right, here's the post where I look like a big wuss. I freely admit it. I don't like conflict (petrified of conflict might be a better way to say it) and any resolution to this problem seems to require conflict.
I host a Games Club of Maryland (GCOM) game night at the local Borders Bookstore Cafe a couple of times a month, playing from 6PM to their closing time of 10PM. We started with a group of about five people and over the past three years have grown to a regular attendance of twelve to fifteen, with our record being eighteen people. That's a LOT of people to find tables for in the small cafe, but it's not a problem I mind. :-)
Since we absolutely have to be out of the store by 10PM, we usually play shorter games because it sucks to invest 90 minutes into a game and not be able to finish it. What's more, the majority of our players are relatively new to gaming and don't have an extensive repertoire of game experience. While we are always open to repeat plays of something they've learned, we do try to introduce the group to new games every session.
As our group expanded, one night into our lives came a woman I'll call Troy (not her real name, duh). Troy is a reasonably experienced gamer and plays pretty well. When she first showed up a couple of years ago, the group was still small and we were glad to have her there. That is, until one night when we were holding a special "host's choice" night where we picked one game and played it as part of a GCOM-wide tournament. We picked the awesome game Amun Re and played two games, one starting at 7:00PM and the other at 8:30. We delayed starting the latter game as long as possible in case more people showed up.
Of course, Troy showed up at 9:15, 45 minutes before closing time, and when we politely said we wouldn't start a new game of Amun Re, she lost it. She yelled at us for not keeping our word, told us how awful we were and then stormed off. Of course, she ignored the basic reality of the situation which is that IT'S NOT POSSIBLE TO SET UP AND FINISH A GAME OF AMUN RE IN 45 MINUTES! She came back a little bit later, slightly calmed down, but we never looked at her the same way again. Afterwards, she complained to the GCOM board about us. They wisely ignored her complaint as irrational.
It was then I made my mistake. I should have told her right then to never come back. (To be fair to me, we didn't really expect her to come back.) Some weeks later, to our utter surprise, she came back. Not every session, but often enough. Upon further contact, while there hasn't been a repeat of the Amun Re incident, we (not just me) realized that she is pushy, quick to accuse someone of cheating (a big gaming no-no), way too intense for what we're doing and wants to play the same five games every week; games she just happens to carry in her car. Carol thinks she is probably autistic.
Well, after a recent, stress-free, six month absence, Troy started coming again and has attended the last three sessions. Last night, with eight players and an hour to go, I was trying to set up two four player games. Troy wanted to play Werewolf. No way, I told her, in good humor. Not in a public place with a bunch of people who have never played before. It was just not an appropriate venue, not to mention it can take longer than an hour and players are eliminated and thus, not playing anything. After several minutes wasted discussing this, she then went down the rest of her usual list. Shadows Over Camelot? Puerto Rico? Great games, to be sure, but I, not for the first time, told her that we couldn't finish either game in an hour (or likely even two hours). She finally noticed On the Underground and we got three others to play with her while I played Cartagena with Ben and the rest (yes, the Professor and Mary Ann were both there).
So, you might ask, why not just give her the boot? Tell her she's no longer welcome?
I really don't think that would be appropriate right now. Sure, she's annoying (and if it's a form of autism, I'm very sympathetic), but I can't kick her out of a public group for being annoying. Plenty of other people in the group can be annoying, including me. If this was a private group, there's no question she wouldn't be invited back. But GCOM is supposed to be open for everyone.
Before last night, I had resolved to do my best to overlook her anti-social tendencies and not let them bother me. I feel bad for her and would like to welcome her if we can just get over the behavior issues. Now I don't know if I can; something has to be done before she starts hurting attendance. This problem isn't beyond my talents, there's certainly something I can do to resolve this.
The obvious thing would be to just talk with her to discourage her from coming. Explain that she's too intense for what is a very casual group. There are certainly plenty of other, more intense, GCOM locations for her to attend. Honestly, I don't know if that would work.
I know most readers are probably thinking that I'm an idiot for giving the problem this much thought. I don't entirely disagree, but that's who I am. As I said, I don't like conflict. In any event, I have to "nut up" and take care of this. While I'm deeply wishful, I don't think it's a problem that's just going to go away.
You may start calling me a "wuss" now.
3 comments:
I'm not going to call you a wuss, but, since this isn't a private gathering, I think you're just going to have to suck it up and play nice. Classrooms all over North America are integrating children of varying needs in hopes of teaching all of them how to get along with a wider range of human personalities. If this woman has Asperger's, then she is going to be particularly challenging, but it will make all of you better and bigger people if you found a way to help her be part of your group. Yes, you'll have to be more patient with her and yes, you all have to be just a tad more grown up to make up for her lack of social skills, but keep in mind that it must be very difficult for her to put herself out there like that. It might help you to know that people with Aspergers tend to find really silly things funny, so if you could maybe get her to laugh that would lighten the atmosphere right off the bat and perhaps make things easier as the evening wears on.
Oh, stop being so mature! :-)
Yeah, I hear you. And if she came out and said, "Look, I have Aspergers so I may be a bit anti-social, please understand," I would totally get behind this approach. However, until she does that, she's just an obnoxious adult who isn't much fun to play with.
Still, maybe mobilizing the group and trying to deal with her behavior as a group would be a good way to handle this.
Thanks, UP.
I'm the same as you when it comes to conflict, as you well know. She may have Aspergers. Or she may just be obnoxious. There are several passive/aggressive tactics you could try:
You could talk to the others and see what they think. Perhaps no one else is as bothered by her as you are.
You could have everyone be just rude enough to make her want to leave, without making it obvious.
You could have someone casually mention that you have a blog, and hope that she reads about herself.
Alternately, you could just talk to her about her behavior, which would be the most direct way to handle it, but also the most uncomfortable.
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