Eight Reasons

The right Rev. Steve Cornell, senior pastor of the Millersville Bible Church in Millersville, Pennsylvania, recently published his "Eight Reasons Why I am Not an Atheist" at the Morning Call. I must admit, his reasoning is completely without flaw. He has our number and there's no denying it. You really should check out his tour de force before proceeding with my meager offerings below.

So, out of respect for his reasoning, here are my:

Eight Reasons Why I am an Atheist.

1. An atheist assigns himself to life without ultimate purpose.

See, if there's no "ultimate purpose" there's no reason for me to get a job or have kids! I can sit on my couch playing X-Box all day! Without an ultimate purpose, I am able to focus on the here and now without worrying about all that "tomorrow" stuff. In your face, responsibility! The other day as I was talking to my wife, I reflected on how freeing it was not to have any ultimate purpose, and if it weren't for all the distracting business of being married, raising a family, having a job and trying to make the world a better place for our children, man, my life would be even more perfect.

2. The atheist must suppress the demands of logic.

This one really creamed me on the LSAT's and is the reason all atheists hate Mr. Spock, that logical (aka Christian) bastard. When discussing things like religion, that spoil-sport "logic" demands that I make cogent arguments and present observable, empirical evidence. Screw that! Here's my proof of no god: Rev. Cornell is a poopie-head! Wheee. Logic schmogic.

3. The atheist has to believe in miracles without believing in God.

I've wracked my brain time and again and cannot seem to come up with a good rationalization for my ability to regrow that arm I lost. I know it's pretty remarkable, but doggone it, I'll be darned if I'm giving God the credit! And when that bus crashed and that little girl was the only one to survive, obviously that was a miracle. Those kind of things can't just happen. But who is responsible for the numerous daily miracles reported in the media (especially on Fox News)? Not god, that's who. Maybe one of the Wayans.

4. An atheist must suppress all notions of morality.

The other day, as I was eating the flesh of some local neighborhood children, I was reflecting on this very point. Atheists have a big stake in keeping this quiet because without morality we are free to commit whatever crimes we like. I mean, what possible consequences could there be except for divine retribution? It's not like there are some sort of "laws" that we must follow supported by a large system of "justice" and enforced by, oh, I don't know, "police" of some sort. Fortunately, as I was reflecting on some recent failures where I wasn't immoral enough, an armored car drove by, distracting me to plan the bank heist.

5. The atheist must conclude that evil is an illusion.

Yep. No such thing as evil in my book. Dahmer? Darwinism in action. Enron? That's capitalism for you. Cheney? That guy's face deserved it. Hitler? A lovable scamp. Evil has to be an illusion or else I'd feel bad about point #4 above.

6. The atheist must also live with the arrogance of his position.

How true! The typical atheist has the gall to arrogantly say "I don't know that there's no god, but the lack of evidence speaks volumes so I don't believe there is. If evidence of god's existence comes to light, I'll consider it." We are smug gits. By contrast, non-arrogant Christians humbly know not only that God exists but that he hates teh gays with a passion. Plus, he's really offended when someone says "damn". Kudos to you, Christians! I should really work on my arrogant tendency to say "I don't know".

7. The atheist must also deny the validity of historical proof.

Yes, I admit that I completely ignore all the voluminous contemporary evidence of Jesus' existence and resurrection. You would think that the newsreel footage of Jesus alone would convince me. But you'll have to provide more than just four videotaped interviews of Jesus to get me to believe!

8. Finally, the atheist must admit that human beings are not importantly different from other animals.

Duh. If I didn't believe this, I wouldn't be able to gay marry my dachshund.

My thanks to Atheist Revolution for raising my blood pressure by pointing out this enlightening article.