Sorry Spousal Unit, we gave it a good try

Oh noes!!!  My marriage is over!!  

Last night at midnight, Vermont started allowing gay marriages.

Of course this completely devalues my own, legitimate, heterosexual marriage.  Allowing these dudes to marry hurts me in ways I can hardly explain.  (Really, I can’t explain it at all.  Someone please help.)

I eagerly await god’s almighty wrath against Vermont.  I’m sure the state’s due to slide into the sea (that would be a neat trick!) or find itself the proud new owner of an erupting volcano any minute now.  Sure there will be some collateral damage, including children, because this issue is too important not to invoke some smiting and because that’s the way god rolls.  But it will be for the best, really, and will serve as an example to those other evil states promoting “happiness” for gays.