And after we lose our souls, we'll braid our hair while listening to the Jonas brothers!

What scares Stephen Phelan, communications director for Human Life International, which bills itself as the largest international pro-life organization and missionary worldwide, more than anything?

Pink cardboard and plastic.

"There's a spiritual reality to it and Hasbro is treating it as if it's just a game." It's not Monopoly. It really is a dangerous spiritual game and for [Hasbro] to treat it as just another game is quite dishonest."

Phelan, who has never played the game, said the Bible explicitly states "not to mess with spirits" and that using a Ouija board will leave a person's soul vulnerable to attack.

"All Christians should know, well everyone should, that it's opening up a person to attack, spiritually," he said. "Christians shouldn't use it."

Asked how the game differed from magic kits or Harry Potter-themed merchandise, Phelan replied, "The difference is that the Ouija board is actually is a portal to talk to spirits and it's hard to get people to understand that until they actually do it. I don't pretend to know how it works, but it actually does."

It's hard to argue with this level of stupid. But if you believe in angels, demons, Satan, and all the other supernatural mumbo-jumbo that comes with religion, it's not a big step to believing that cardboard and plastic can open a mystical portal through which the devil can suck out your soul.

Toy expert and consultant Chris Byrne said he found "absolutely nothing" wrong with any version of the game.

"And if something doesn't fit your value or belief system, you don't have to buy it," Byrne said. "There's absolutely nothing remotely Christian or un-Christian about it. I think people are projecting their belief system on it."

True. But if Phelan just ignored the existence of Ouija boards, then he wouldn't be advancing the "christians under attack" narrative, would he?

By the way, I want to make one thing clear: Ouija is not a game. It's an activity.