Alabama - We Dare Defend our Rights . . . to own you!

Monday in Alabama was Confederate Memorial Day because apparently in the twenty-first century, celebrating long-dead traitors and racists from 150 years ago is a thing they like to do in the South. Of course, ever since Dylann Roof, inspired by Confederate lore and swag, walked into a church in Charleston and slaughtered nine black Americans, Confederate adoration has taken a bit of a hit in the polls. And that makes the Alabama Secretary of State, John Merrill, sad.

“The next question that has to be asked is so what’s the next thing you are going to do,” he asked, “are you going to take a bulldozer to the monument and forget what people fought for to preserve a way of life that makes us special and unique?”

Not content with the point that owning people and committing treason against the United States is something unique and special to be celebrated, Merrill also touted the awesome character of his state.

“When we have things happen in our state, we don’t rely on the federal government to come take care of us,” he said. “We take care of ourselves. For example, after the tornadoes in 2011, or after the massive flooding we had. That’s who we are. That’s who these people were. I’m proud of that.”

That's an excellent point and something to be proud of. After all, Alabama ONLY gets 36.5% of its annual revenue from the federal government, putting it ninth out of fifty states for the percentage of federal help it gets. In fact, Alabama gets more than $3 back from the federal government for every dollar it spends in federal taxes. And let's not forget Alabama's special and unique history that's being celebrated, where they built their state through UNPAID SLAVE LABOR.

But in case you were wondering that all this would paint Merrill as a potentially racist idiot, don't worry. Why, he knows some black people!

“We’ve got two African Americans that work in the lobby area of our office here,” he said. “None of them are working here because they’re black, but because they’re highly-qualified, trained professionals. I judge people by the content of their character, not the color of their skin.”

One of the awesome things about idiots is that they never know when to shut the hell up.