A Christmas Carol?

Last Sunday night I made my annual pilgrimage to my wife's church to hear my daughter sing in the children's Christmas concert. As a rule, I can't go to regular church due to an affliction of excessive eye-rolling, sighing, and head-shaking which seems to be "not in the spirit" of going to church in the first place and "disrespectful" of the believers. But at the concert, there's (generally) no preaching. Plus, I love my daughter so I tough it out.

Between sets by various choirs, the choir director has the crowd sing Christmas carols. Since I view Christmas music as the ultimate contribution of religion to mankind, this is okay, so long as they don't run it into the ground as they have in years past. This year, with the old minister gone, it quickly became clear that we would no longer include any secular Christmas songs but sing exclusively out of the Presbyterian hymnal. No problem.

So the choir director calls for the audience to shout out some page numbers. Someone does and the first song chosen is "In the Bleak Midwinter" by Holst. Excuse me? We then do "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" followed by another Holst gem, "On this Day Earth Shall Ring". At this point, it apparently became a contest to see who could pick the most obscure Christmas hymn in the book. "Once in Royal David's City" competed with "Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming". We actually sang "Away in a Manger" but whoever called it out picked the non-traditional version so the melody was completely different. For one song, some parishioner insisted that everyone stand. Oy.

As I sat, bemused and horrified at this weird turn of events, I was reminded of a scene set at a Christmas Party.

Lucy Van Pelt: Say, by the way, can you play "Jingle Bells?"

[Schroeder proceeds to play "Jingle Bells", which sounds like a traditional grand piano]

Lucy Van Pelt: [interrupting] No, no. I mean "Jingle Bells." You know, deck them halls and all that stuff?

[Schroeder begins to play again, with the piano sounding like an organ]

Lucy Van Pelt: [interrupting again] No, no. You don't get it at all. I mean "Jingle Bells." You know, Santa Claus and ho-ho-ho, and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls.

[Lucy gazes lovingly at Schroeder, who then out of frustration taps one key of the piano while playing "Jingle Bells," which sounds like a child's toy piano]

Lucy Van Pelt: That's it!

[Schroeder turns a few unplanned flips from Lucy's reaction]

You know you're in a strange place when you find yourself empathizing with Lucy and wishing you had the vocal power to make someone do backflips away from the piano.