The Constitution: Completely Inadequate, says Huckabee

A few days ago Republican wannabe "front runner" Mike Huckabee said that he wanted to bring the Constitution of the United States up to "God's standards".

"[Some of my opponents] do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it's a lot easier to change the constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God, and that's what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards," Huckabee said.

Now besides being a stupid and fundamentally un-American thing to say, I figured he was talking about adding contradictions, vague prophecies and lots and lots of genealogy information into the Constitution. "And Washington begat Franklin who begat Jefferson who begat Huckabee." Turns out, I was wrong.

Without further ado, here are the

TOP EIGHT CHANGES HUCKABEE WANTS TO MAKE TO BRING THE CONSTITUTION UP TO GOD'S STANDARDS:

#8: Sorry Red Lobster, you're toast. It will be unconstitutional to serve lobster, shrimp or crabs. Might as well call your annual event "Unconstitutionalfest". "Leviticus 11:10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you."

#7: Article VI will be amended as follows because, well, duh. " . . . no religious Test shall ever NOT be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."

#6: Iron chariots will be outlawed. "Judges 1:19 And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron."

#5: Stupid scientists! A few scientific matters will have to be directly addressed in the Constitution to prevent those scientists with their pesky "research" and "facts" from disagreeing with God. For example, bats are birds (Leviticus 11:19), the value of Pi is 3 (1Kings 7:23), the Earth is 6,000 years old (Wingnuts 1:1), the weather on the entire planet can be controlled by prayer (James 5:17) and, oh what the heck, let's just outlaw science altogether. (1 Timothy 6:20).

#4: Article I, section 3 woefully undervalues the Vice-President. Historians will look back on us and label us as fools for not giving Cheney more power. So, that section will be amended to read, "The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have 100 Votes, unless they be equally divided, in which case he will have 101 votes, or unless he be a Democrat, in which case he will have 0 votes."

#3: Oh, heck, let's just delete Article I altogether.

#2: Repeal the third amendment. Because how can we enforce all of these new (yet entirely proper) edicts if we don't have troops quartered in your home?

And the number one change Huckabee wants to make to the Constitution:

#1: Change the words "Justice", "Union" and "the" to "Jesus".

Here's the new Preamble:

"We Jesus People of Jesus United States, in Order to form a more perfect Jesus, establish Jesus, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for Jesus common defence, promote Jesus general Welfare, and secure Jesus Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for Jesus United States of America."

Now that's a Constitution that doesn't dissapoint on every page!