My Last Wishes

I’ve been to several funerals over the past couple of years and I’ve learned a few things about what I want and don’t want when my turn comes.

(Disclaimer:  Of course I realize that I won’t be around to notice if things aren’t to my liking, e.g. if the funeral turns into a full-blown evangelical revival.  I know that I won’t be the least bit discomfited because I’ll be quite dead.  Still, do what I want or I’ll come back and haunt your ass.  Okay, I know that won’t happen.  Still.)

For posterity, here’s what I want and what I don’t want at my funeral.

Don’t Want:

  - I don’t want ANYONE addressing the assembled mourners who does not personally know me.  No random ministers, priests, funeral directors, whomever.  The WORST part of every funeral I’ve attended is some guy going on about someone he’s never met.  It’s artificial and insulting and the guy doesn’t enjoy it either.  So if you don’t know me, KEEP YOUR PIE HOLE SHUT.

  - I don’t want any hymns sung, prayers said, scripture read, sermons spouted, or any intrusion of religion.  I understand that religion might comfort some in my family, but I’m not religious and bringing religion into my funeral would be a betrayal of who I am, er, was.  My family and friends will understand that. 

  - No woo-woo crap of any kind.  I’m a skeptic.  Respect that.

  - I don’t want any funeral or memorial service to take place in a church.  Find someplace else.  Community center, my gameroom, a ballroom.  A bowling alley would be preferable to a church.

Do Want:

  - Friends and family talking about me.  This has always been the BEST part of any funeral I’ve attended.

  - If you can find some humorous entries from my blog (good luck) feel free to share them with the group.

  - Play some games in my memory.  It won’t kill you.

That’s about it.  I feel much better now.