Republican General Hospital

And now, please join us for another episode of . . . Republican General Hospital.


Sally the Receptionist was finishing up the last of her paperwork when the double doors of the Emergency Room burst open. It had been a slow day, but the brief respite now ended as several occupied gurneys smashed through the door, ambulance attendants in tow.

“Great,” Sally thought, “This will be exciting.” She immediately felt bad about the thought.

Waiting Doctors surged forward. Alerted to the incoming wounded and ready to assist, they began conducting triage. A bus had overturned on the freeway and now a half-dozen victims on their gurneys crowded the lavishly furnished ER.

“This one’s in shock,” shouted Doctor Malcomb Whitmore. “I need a 5% rate cut, stat.”

An older gentleman who radiated competence and warmth, Doctor Nigel Vandersmoot, Jr. stood over another gurney while its occupant, a young black woman, watched him work.

“Now tell me, young lady”, said the Doctor. “Where does it hurt?”

The young woman pointed to her side, bruised and bloodied.

“This one is okay for the time being. Low priority.” He moved on.

At another gurney, Doctor Georgiana Collington argued with a well-groomed and distinguished older gentleman.

“I assure you, this 35% solution will do the trick,” Doctor Kuffington said.

“I just need a bit more, for a rainy day, you know.” replied the gentleman. “Without more, I don’t know if I’ll have the will to go on. And so many are counting on me.”

“Oh, very well,” said Doctor Collington, the reproof in her voice betrayed by the smile on her face. “22% it is.”

The old gentleman smiled and laid back on the gurney.

“We got a bleeder over here!”

Some feet away, Doctor Thorton Winthorp III was wrestling with a middle-aged man, writhing in pain.

“I need 34% capital gains tax relief, stat!”

Nurses rushed over.

“It isn’t working!” Doctor Winthorp yelled.

“Try estate tax relief!” shouted Doctor Collington.

“No,” cried Doctor Malcomb. “Try a new business tax credit!”

The writhing suddenly stopped. The man lay dead on the gurney.

“I tried everything. None of it worked. He was beyond help.”

The nurses dispersed as Doctor Winthorp took a moment and then moved to the next patient.

Sally watched the Doctors working from patient to patient, a fascinating ballet choreographed by long years of working together. Over the years, the team had been highly successful. Sure, the survival rate of the ER was only 12%, but the hospital had two new wings and a cancer center donated by former patients. Sally was proud to be associated with the group.

A door opened behind her and one of the janitors, Julio, approached.

“Hello, Miss. I was called about a broken toilet in the restroom? I’m here to apply a 15% tax cut.”

“Can you also have a go at the radiator? It’s been rattling. I’m thinking a sales tax rebate will do it.”

“Sure,” said Julio.

“Very good,” returned Sally. “That should fix the problem. Tax cuts fix everything here at Republican General Hospital.”

That’s all for this episode of Republican General Hospital. Please join us for our next gut-wrenching episode.

Will the Doctors be able to incentivize the rest of the patients?
Will Julio be able to fix the toilet and radiator with a series of well-timed tax cuts?
Will Sally and Doctor Malcomb be able to hide their feelings for each other in the face of threatened tax hikes by the liberal, Democratic Congress?

Tune in tomorrow to find out!